Grr... (a vent)

If you're on this fertility journey as well, then you know some days you just need to VENT.

If you're just a spectator to this journey, then you should know that emotions and hormones combine to make us irritable and sensitive - hence the need to VENT.

Vent #1 : The mystery bleeding is still going on. Has been since Thursday night (cd 21). I called  Dr. M's office this morning to find out if this was something I should be worried about. When the nurse called back, she was FAR less than helpful. It could just be mid-cycle bleeding, she said. Or "just the way I ovulate". Umm, did you miss the fact that it's flipping DAY 25 now, and I should have ovulated already? Or, did you look in my file to see if the progesterone results were back from cd 21 to determine if I even did ovulate this month? Grr... She said that she sent a note (email, I guess?) to Dr. M to see what she wants to do about it. Haven't heard anything else today. Haven't heard  about my progesterone results. Nothing. So frustrated. I've peed on 3 sticks since Thursday night - all BFNs. I know it's too early - but I can't help it! Soooo impatient right now. Specialist appointment on Wednesday - just want it to get here already, so she can order up a blood test to see what the heck is going on. Or an ultrasound. I'd definitely spread my legs for the transvag ultrasound if it would get me some answers.

Vent #2 : Another pregnancy announcement on Facebook. Just a few minutes ago. Complete with ultrasound picture. The kicker? It's the friend who recommended Dr. M to me. This friend also has PCOS. She's more recently diagnosed than me, and is not nearly as overweight as me - she's practically one of the thin women with PCOS. I hate that this fertility process ends up feeling like a friggin' competition. It's not. I know it's not. But I (sometimes) can't help but feel like that about it. I think I'll be hiding her updates, at least for the next few days. Just hurts too much when I'm sitting here wondering if something very, very good is going on down in Utero-Land, or if it's just something that will send us back to the drawing board. So impatient. And now you can add hurting and longing to that. Grr :(

A note : I was given a very lovely blog award, and I said that I would respond to it today - but my head and heart just aren't into thinking of positive, humorous facts about myself right now. It's on my list of posts to write - perhaps tomorrow, if I wake up in a better mood. 

Salads on Saturday : Turkey 'n Bleu Salad

As promised, the first salad in my new feature Salads on Saturday is a restaurant copy cat. Every once in a while, I meet up with a former coworker for lunch at a cozy little Italian / Greek / Mediterranean restaurant that serves awesome salads and pizzas, along with lots of other great stuff. My favorite salad is the Turkey 'n Bleu, and it's super easy to make.

(PS - The best thing about salads is that you don't have to measure! There's no instruction necessary, and every topping can be added in whatever amount you desire. )

• Romaine Lettuce
• Mandarin Oranges
• Shredded Carrots
• Dried Cranberries
• Turkey (as in, from the deli - a nice and dry variety, sliced slightly thicker than you would want for a sandwich and then cut into bite-size pieces)
• Bleu Cheese
• Toasted Nuts (when I make it at home, I used glazed nuts- either pecans or walnuts)
• Dress with Balsamic Vinaigrette (I've found a yummy maple balsamic that compliments the salad quite well. ) 

I wish I had a picture to share with you - next time we meet up, I will try to remember to snap one. It's a wonderfully colorful salad with lots of different textures. It's true what they say - you eat with your eyes first! 

I hope this concoction gives you some inspiration on your next salad! Remember, not all green and leafy things are evil!! :) 

If you're of the praying sort.....

..... or if you just believe in good thoughts, send some up for me. I'm trying really hard to not get my hopes up, and it will be a few days before I can test with any meaningful results, but today is cd 21 and I have some spotting going on. According to "Dr. Google", it's description jives with implantation bleeding. I think I O-ed around cd 13 or 14 so the timing is right. Any good thoughts or prayers would be appreciated. Thanks bunches, and I'll keep y'all posted :)

{Just as a reminder, I'm on progesterone from cd 14 - 23.... haven't googled this yet, to determine if that progesterone could be responsible for the spotting. Any stories from you about this? Thoughts?}

Bringing You Up to Present : Test Results and Clomid Cycle #3

This post will effectively get y'all caught up to the present day and where I'm at with this fertility journey.

At our sit-down with Dr. M, she wanted to check my insulin and glucose to determine if the Metformin dosage was adequate. Turns out, my buddies I & G are just fine. My insulin resistance is well-controlled by the 1000mg of Met I take every day so she is going to leave that alone.

Mr. Lost went for his semen analysis. It was a little bit of a "production" getting the appointment set and getting him to the hospital. My hubby and I are what I call "good kids" - we like to play by the rules and do exactly what we are supposed to. This meant that Mr. Lost was not particularly thrilled with the idea of being late to work just because he had to "produce a sample". But, as I explained to him, it's at least a 45 minute drive from our house to the only place is this area that does SA. The sample needs to be tested within one hour of being produced, and we were told that to drop off a sample meant that we had to stop at the hospital's registration area anyway - that process alone would add a good 15 minutes. It was in our best interests to have him produce the sample right at the hospital so they could test it immediately and (hopefully) remove any question as to timing or freshness of the sample. He agreed, but he was definitely on edge because of the "good kid" factor and certainly because I think to have your semen analyzed is, on some level, having your very manhood questioned. I understand that they (the men) feel this way, but I don't really "get it". I don't feel like less of a woman because my ovaries don't work. I guess some women do, but I've never (or at least, not yet...) had that feeling.

Anyway. His results.

(Not Mr. Lost's swimmers, just a picture from the interwebs.)

• Total Sperm Count : A normal result is anything above 40 million. He had 46 million in the sample they measured, so that's good. 
• Motility (the number of little guys that are swimming properly) : This number should be above 50%. For Mr. Lost, he had 57% of his swimmers mobilized and moving around. 
• Morphology (the physical characteristics of the sperm - are the tails the right length? are they straight? is the head attached correctly? etc etc etc...) : For the purposes of determining how well-suited the sperm are for fertilizing an egg, a rather strict metric is used to analyze the sperm. If more than 14% of the sperm meet this tighter threshold, it's considered to be an excellent result. Between 5 and 14% is considered OK. Mr. Lost was down at 6%. Dr. M spoke to one of the other doctors in her group about this. Apparently this other doc "dabbles" in some insemination. He's not a specialist, but I guess he plays around at it. Anyway, he said that he has seen couples with a morphology of 6% go either way. It's about 50/50 as to whether or not that morphology will be a limiting factor in getting pregnant. So, Dr. M didn't really come out and say it, but reading between the lines tells me that if we are going to have a problem on my hubby's side of this, it's going to be with that morphology number. Furthermore, Dr. M is very pleased that we do have an appointment coming up with a specialist, even though we are doing a 3rd Clomid cycle right now. This leads me to believe that perhaps this morphology result could be significant. 

So, with those results in hand and a fresh batch of meds, we embarked on Clomid Cycle #3. 

I timed the Provera to jump start my cycle so that, 1) we wouldn't be having to baby dance while The Outlaws were visiting for Easter, and 2) we wouldn't be having to baby dance right before Mr. Lost had his semen analysis done, since the test requires at least 2 days abstinence before hand. 

April 6 was cd1. There was nothing remarkable about the flow. However, what has put an asterisk on this cycle is that fact that a loverly intestinal bug struck on cd2. Yes, right when The Outlaws were here for Easter. Yes, the day before I started taking the Clomid. The loverly bug stuck around until cd6, which means that I have no clue as to whether or not the Clomid was properly metabolized by my body. I don't know if enough of it stuck around to do its job. 

As far as side effects go, during cycles 1 and 2 I experienced hot flashes or just a general warmer than normal body temp. This was not the case during this 3rd cycle - BUT, I was more emotional after coming off the Clomid right around the time I could have theoretically been ovulating. 

The other reason we have a very large asterisk next to this cycle is that the baby dancing didn't happen as often as it should have. As in, it only happened once. We were both feeling a little run down and tired, so it was hard to muster up the energy even though we knew we were supposed to be doing the deed. Mr. Lost is in a busy time at work right now, and he admitted that the stress was probably playing a part. In addition, we've been pretty busy on the homefront which adds to stress for both of us. I will say, though, that on cd 13 when we did the baby dance, I'm pretty sure I had some egg white mucous going on. So maybe we caught things at the right time.

It's a toss up, really. Hence the big giant asterisk. 

The star that means this cycle was less than ideal.

And to be perfectly honest, there is a part of me that said, "Screw it." to this cycle once we found out that we did, in fact, have an appointment with a specialist. A big (HUGE) part of me is tired of dicking around (Pardon the pun, and my language.... if you haven't noticed yet, I occasionally have a bit of a potty mouth.) with no real clue as to what is going on down in Ovary Land. 

So it will be whatever it will be. 

I have to call Dr. M's office to set up the progesterone check for tomorrow. 

I have to call the specialist (Dr. G) to find out if I'm supposed to be getting any paperwork or pre-registration paperwork in advance of next week's appointment. It's scheduled for May 2, which coincidentally (or ironically) is the 5 year anniversary of my mother passing away. 

I have to sit and take things one day at a time, growing ever more impatient for next week's appointment. 

And did I mention that the appointment is on cd27? Even though it will be too early, I'll pee on a stick that morning just in case this cycle meant something after all.

I'll pee on that stick even though I'm sure I won't see two lines.

I'll pee on that stick even though I'm doubtful that I ovulated this month. 

I'll pee on that stick even though Dr. G will probably order up a blood test anyway for confirmation.

I'll pee on that stick because even though this cycle has a big giant asterisk next to it, I still have hope inside me. 

Next week, I'll be sure to post the outcome of that visit. Until then, if you hear the sound of fingers drumming on a table, it's probably just me - expressing my impatience. May 2 seems so very far away.

Back Story : Clomid Cycle #2 & Sit-Down with Dr. M

Wow. Ok. So, I'm sitting  here getting ready to write the story of our second attempt at conceiving with Clomid and I realized that the details are already starting to get a little fuzzy. It was only February - not eons ago! Thank goodness I have a file on my 'puter called something like "Project Baby Timeline". Here goes.


When we last left this story, Clomid Cycle #1 had been a bust, but Dr. M (my gyno) was pretty sure I had ovulated. She didn't want to tweak my med dosages or anything - just repeat at 50mg of Clomid and continue with the Metformin at 500mg twice a day. No biggie.

Cycle Day (cd) 1 of the second cycle fell on cd34 of the first cycle, so I felt pretty sure that I was ovulating later along in the cycle rather than on the "average" cd14. My period was normal-to-heavy in terms of flow - surely this cycle would "mean something" because here we were, already starting off better than the first cycle with its "is it or isn't it?" level of flow. I again took the Clomid on cd3 through cd7. This time, since I thought I was ovulating later along, we postponed the baby dancing until cd 11, 14 and 17.

I went for the progesterone check on cd21.

So much for think that this cycle might be The One.

Progesterone clocked in at a WHOPPING 1.something-or-other.

One-point-too-damn-low.
One-point-ain't-gonna-happen-this-month.
One-point-stupid-f-ing-ovaries.

One-point-let's-make-an-appointment-and-figure-this-out.

One-point-let's-try-again.

I had very light spotting on cd25 though 30. Waaaayyy too light to ever be considered a period. Lighter than that whole "is it or isn't it?" flow that led into the first Clomid cycle.

On cd46, we had an appointment with Dr. M to figure out what in the world was going on. And also to discuss having Mr. Lost tested. Because scheduled baby dancing is not fun, and it's even less fun when you don't know if you're even in the appropriate magic window in time. Here's the rundown of that conversation:

{Thank God I messaged some close friends about the appointment shortly after it happened so I can relay all the info here. And this is (one of the reasons) why I keep this blog - so I can remember everything that's happened on the journey.}

• She prescribed 10 days worth of Provera to jump-start a period.
• She kept me on the 50mg dose of Clomid rather than increase because she thinks that I did respond well in January with the 1st cycle. She thinks that I probably did ovulate, but that timing or other factors just didn't make for success (success = positive preg test).
• She's adding Prometrium (progesterone) on cd14 - 23 to ensure that my uterine lining is thick enough for implantation. That's a picture of it to the right. Little pink balls. She said it's possible that egg and sperm met in January, but that the low progesterone number meant that my lining wasn't thick enough for implantation. 
• She ordered up a round of blood work to check my insulin and glucose in order to make sure the 1000mg of Metformin is enough. She doesn't want to bump it up because she doesn't want to make me suffer the side effects if I don't need to. 
• She ordered up a semen analysis for Mr. Lost. He is less than thrilled about this, but realizes it is necessary. I just want to make sure that we aren't wasting our time - if something is wrong with him, nothing we do with Clomid or anything else is going to make a difference. She said that if Mr. Lost's results are abnormal, we'll be moving on to a specialist - a reproductive endocrinologist. If his results are OK, we'll see how the 3rd cycle goes. If my progesterone is still not right, or if we don't get pregnant, we'll be seeing the specialist. 

Dr. M really wanted to give it one more shot (the 3rd) cycle because she's so sure that I ovulated in January - I'm just not O-ing regularly. I am less confident about January. The internet research I've done indicates that a progesterone result higher than 5 indicates ovulation, but that really, higher than 10 is preferred.

I asked about more testing . monitoring to try to pinpoint or at least narrow down when ovulation is occurring, but that isn't really her thing. She doesn't specialize in infertility, so she doesn't do that sort of thing.

I explained that we have friends who have gone through this infertility thing and then wound up at adoption, and that from what we've heard, certain agencies won't adopt if a parent is over 40. She hadn't heard that, which surprised me, but at least it gave her some understanding on our timing and desire to be more efficient / aggressive. Medically speaking, 37 for Mr. Lost and 31 for me are perfectly fine ages to make a baby so it isn't so much the biological clocks that are ticking the loudest here.

The next post will reveal the results of all that testing and talk about where we stand right now, which is in the middle of Cycle #3.

Tasty Tuesday : Salad Pointers

Tasty Tuesday is a weekly feature designed to share low-carb and / or healthy recipes. 

So, as I was making my lunch today, I had an IDEA. Yep, so big that I needed to shout it out in CAPS ;) Many women, but not all, who have PCOS also have a problem with losing weight. Some women turn to low carb diets, others to the paleo diet, etc etc etc. Regardless of the program, however, we could all benefit from a few more veggies in our lives including SALAD. I know, I know - you're thinking that salad gets old. Salad gets boring. How could I possibly ever (EVER) eat another pile of leafy green YUCK?

Let me be the first to admit that I understand. I get it. Salad is not the first food I reach for. There are days when it is difficult (read, impossible) to choke down a salad no matter what yummy accoutrements I adorn it with. But there are ways to counter that. There is still inspiration to be found when it comes to the salad. And so, as I was crafting my very own pile of leafy green YUM, I had an IDEA.

In addition to Tasty Tuesday, I'm going to be starting another food-related series here on the ol' blog. I think I'll call it "Salads on Saturday" just because I adore alliteration ;)

The posts will be specific combinations of ingredients that will hopefully inspire you or offer up a new combination you haven't yet thought of. To kick things off, today's Tasty Tuesday post features salad pointers - things to make your life easier, things to make it so that eating a salad is more enjoyable and less of a "choking it down" experience. If you have any ideas of your own on how to make salad-eating more enjoyable, please feel free to comment!

Six Salad Pointers to Take Greens from So-So to Sensational

1. Pre-cut and prep as many ingredients ahead of time as you possibly can. It seems common sense, but how many of us actually do it? I know that I fail at this task a good 75% of the time. It's something I intend to do, but sometimes fall short. In an effort to avoid wasting food and money, I do want to be better about this. It's super easy, really - whatever produce or salad fixin' you bring home from the grocery store, immediately wash it, chop it, prep it however it needs to be prepped so that you can quickly and easily make salads over the next few days. If you buy lettuce by the head instead of the pre-chopped and pre-washed bags, you can easily chop it, wash it and bag it yourself. It will keep for a few days in a Ziploc bag. Throw a paper towel in the bottom of the bag to catch any extra moisture. You can hard boil eggs and peel them at the start of the week so that they are ready to be chopped, wedged or sliced - however your mood strikes you. You can pre-shred carrots and cabbage, pre-slice mushrooms, peppers and onions, pre-wash and cut broccoli.... I think you get the point. (PS - You can also pre-make homemade salad dressings!)
2. Balance time and money. This directly relates into #1. If you are a busy woman living a hectic lifestyle, you might not have the time to wash and chop your own veggies. There is absolutely no guilt in buying the bagged salad mixes. To help you out, you can buy pre-shredded carrots, pre-sliced mushrooms - even eggs that are already hard boiled! But, if you're like me and the grocery budget is on the smaller side because the overall budget is on the smaller side - it is definitely more economical to buy the produce in its most whole state and prep it yourself. You also can control the quality a lot more that way. Case in point: I like Romaine Lettuce. I do not like the ribs that go up the center of each leaf, however. If I buy the bagged salad mixes, the Romaine Lettuce still has all those ribs so I end up sorting through the salad and pulling out the obnoxiously large pieces of rib. If I buy a whole head or a bag of Romaine hearts, I can separate each leaf from the remainder of the head and cut out the rib of each leaf. Does it take more time? Yes. But am I happier with the lettuce at the end? Yes. For me, it's worth it. To you, it might not be - and that's OK. Know what is realistic for you and what you need to make happen in order for you to eat that salad. 
3. Don't ignore the leftovers. Last night's dinner can easily become part of today's salad. Leftover steak, chicken breast or piece of fish? Slice it up and throw it on top. Leftover taco meat? Make a southwest salad. You can even "cheat" a southwest salad if you have leftover chili or sloppy joe (wimpie) meat. Leftover steamed veggies? Throw them on too! This tip is fantastic if there is a little bit of something left over that isn't quite enough to be a meal. 
4. Don't forget the protein! Protein will help give your salad some staying power in terms of fullness and will help to ensure that the salad goes from a side dish to a well-rounded meal. Protein can be meat, but it doesn't have to be. Eggs, cheese, cottage cheese, nuts and beans all add protein. 
5. Duplicate your favorite restaurant salad. If you have a salad at a restaurant that you absolutely love, don't be afraid to purchase the ingredients to make it on your own! The first installment of Salads on Saturday will be one of these salads. 
6. Remember - salad didn't get you here. Salad did not give you the extra pounds around your middle. Certainly it is a good idea to not overdress your salad and to watch the extra fats and sugars that are sneaking into your salad bowl - but the veggies themselves did not get you to the point where you are trying to lose weight. The eating program that I follow requires counting, and I've seen some women get very hung up on the value of a carrot. Seriously? That carrot didn't put those pounds on you. Learn when to be flexible and learn when to moderate your foods. The benefits of eating a salad tend to outweigh the negatives, as long as you are mindful of the traps - like overdressing the salad. (As an interesting factual side note, certain vitamins are not water soluble. Instead, they are fat soluble. This means that your body cannot absorb them without some fat being present in your diet, preferably at the same time as when you ingest the vitamin. So, getting some fat with your salad, whether through the dressing, some nuts sprinkled on top, or some avocado slices is actually a GOOD thing!)

Don't ignore ..... our feelings.

You can view my first post for National Infertility Awareness Week (NIAW) here. In that post, I wrote about some of the facts and the issues surrounding infertility. Today, I want to write about me. My feelings. My experiences.

Don't ignore ..... me.
Don't ignore ..... my feelings. 

• Don't assume that the fact that my husband and I do not have any kids is somehow a decision that we don't want to have any. 
• Don't assume that just because I am at your baby shower or your kid's first birthday party means that I am OK and that everything is just hunky-dory.
• But on the other hand, if you are aware of my journey through infertility, don't assume that I don't want to experience your good news - your pregnancy announcements, your ultrasound pictures, etc. Just please realize that I need to come to terms with your news in my own way and at my own pace.
• Don't assume that my smiles and laughter mean that I am happy or in a good place. They just mean that I am in a good moment. There have been some bad moments - don't ignore them.

It was very difficult for me to acknowledge the feelings when I first experienced them, but there have been times in the past couple of years where I have been extremely jealous of my friends. When my one friend went through years of infertility treatments only to end up pursuing adoption, I knew that the adoption was coming. I even wrote a letter of recommendation to the agency she and her husband were using. But when that adoption came through faster than they expected, I had a really hard time with it.

I was jealous that they were getting an "instant family" - their son was coming home to them one week after they found out about him.

I was jealous of all the attention and baby paraphernalia they were getting because of it. I just knew (and I'm still pretty sure of this) that my husband and I will not receive the same attention regardless of how we come to be parents. Our families are just not like her family or her husband's family.

I had a hard time watching the video of the adoption ceremony.

I had a hard time being around everyone else who was so excited for them.

And I felt absolutely horrible at myself for feeling this way. 

Let me tell you - negative emotions are compounded and made worse when you beat yourself up for having them.

I was in a funk for a couple of weeks. On one hand, I was happy for my friend. Logic told me that I should be happy for her. But on the other hand, I was sitting there thinking, "Why not me? Why not us? When will it be our turn?" And on that other hand, I was jealous. And that other side of me was not as happy for my friend.

During that funky period, I took a little break from our friendship. Just a couple of weeks. Time enough to settle myself and work through my own feelings. Time for her to let some of the excitement and hubbub die down. This friend knows my story - I have shared every detail of my journey with her, just as she shared with me - but that doesn't necessarily make it any easier. I took that time to reach a pretty big conclusion:

Neither my friend nor her new baby did anything to me.

I had no reason to not love that little baby. I had no reason to love my friend any less. During that little break, I realized that the feelings I was experiencing were MINE. I owned them. I came to realize that these feelings of jealousy were perfectly NORMAL. Once I realized that these very strong and powerful emotions were what other women who are coping with infertility deal with, I knew that it was OK. I was OK. I was going to get through this.

This realization about the feelings being normal did not mean that I would never feel them again. Just because you acknowledge these feelings does not mean they will never come up again. 

When this same friend became pregnant naturally and unexpectedly less than 3 months after adopting, I was happy for her - and jealous, too. How could I not be just a little jealous? After 3 attempts at IVF and after hearing that her ovaries were "old" and not producing quality eggs, and after going through a very successful adoption process, here she was - PREGNANT.

I needed another little break at that point. Much shorter than the first time, but I needed to process and come to terms with this new development. She is one of my closest friends, and yes, I was happy for her. But I needed to own my emotions and take time for myself.

When her precious baby was born this past fall, a lot of those same feelings of jealousy came flooding back. They weren't as bad as they were when she adopted her first baby, probably because I had 9 months to process it this time around, but the jealousy was definitely still there. I took another break from our friendship. My friend thought that I was just being smart - that I was giving her space to deal with her crazy in-laws and the other people who were inserting themselves into her little family's life in the days following the baby's birth.

But the reality is that I needed time to deal with my feelings before I could be around her and the babies without breaking down.

Let me be perfectly clear: I love those little ones as if they were my own niece and nephew. I have spoiled them rotten with new baby gifts, christening gifts, and first birthday gifts. I enjoy spending time with them, snuggling them, feeding them. But there is still a tiny part of my heart that aches every time I am around them.

It's the same part of my heart that cries out, "When will it by MY turn?"

It's nearly imperceptible to outsiders and possibly even to my friend, but I can tell you that our friendship has changed since she became a mommy. While we still have so much in common and enjoy so many activities together, it's different now. She's not as free as she used to be, with two little ones to care for. She's not as accessible as she used to be. And even though she was on the infertility journey, too - her journey has reached its end, while I'm still plodding along. Our friendship isn't "bad" or "over" - it's just different. That's something I still have to process and work through. Every time I reach for the phone in the evenings, I stop myself. I know that I shouldn't call, because she's busy getting two little ones ready for bed. The things I might have asked her to join me in on the weekends, I don't anymore. Either they aren't "kid friendly" or I know she won't want to take the time away from them. Not wrong - just different. I hope to never lose any friendships permanently while on this journey, but I can absolutely tell you that friendships have changed and I have changed while I've been on this journey.

Don't ignore ..... your feelings. 

When it comes to this journey of infertility, you have to take steps to preserve your self and protect your heart.  Whether it's through meditation, journalling, therapy, creative expressions - find a way to work through your feelings. Do not let them fester inside. Do not deny them. Do not feel bad about them.

Pick up each emotion and examine it.

When my friend adopted her little one and I felt so badly, I couldn't immediately explain why I felt such feelings of anger. That's what it was at first - anger. Nastiness. Jealousy of the material things and the attention she was receiving. It wasn't until I stopped for just a moment to examine the situation that I realized the heart of the matter.

I was jealous of the fact that she had just become a mother. I was jealous that she had an "instant family". I was envious of all the things I felt were lacking in my own life - mainly, a baby.

Own the emotion and know that it is a natural part of this process. 

Once I realized that this was normal, and was probably going to happen again, I was OK. I was able to spend time with my friend and her baby. You need to come to a point where you realize that this roller coaster of emotions is completely, 100%, NORMAL. Before my friend adopted her baby, I thought I was at that point. I had heard women talk about the emotions of this journey, and I thought that I was some how above all that. That I had it covered. That I was OK.

It wasn't until the magnitude of my negative feelings hit me that I realized that I hadn't ever been on the emotional roller coaster to begin with. Those sudden feelings of jealousy were my first experience with the roller coaster. It was as if I were riding a roller coaster blindfolded, and the car just went into a roll.

I don't claim to be any sort of a pro at riding this coaster, but I can honestly say that I'm more aware of the twists and turns ahead. I know that there will probably be more dips, dives and turns yet to come - and I know that there will be emotions that come flying up out of me that I was not expecting.

If you are a friend or loved one of someone who is currently coping with infertility, please don't ignore their feelings. Realize that they are on their very own roller coaster. Please be respectful of their emotions, but please don't minimize them. Please don't tell them to "get over it". Please don't tell them to "relax" or "stop trying".

Don't ignore the emotional side of what they are going through. There are very real and very complex emotions at play during this process, and those emotions are different for each and every one of us. Take no facial expression at "face value" - pardon the pun. Just because we look happy on the outside does not mean that our hearts are not aching on the inside.

Ask if we are doing OK. I don't always bring up the topic myself, but if you ask, I will gladly tell you where things stand and how I'm doing.
Ask if we want to talk about it. This varies from person to person, and from day to day.
Don't shelter us. The media and the world around us are full of children, babies, pregnant women, families, etc. There's little point in trying to hide your pregnancy news from us because we'll find out at some point anyway. But you might want to consider telling us in private, and you should definitely realize that we might need some time alone to come to terms with it.

Lastly, and perhaps most importantly, please educate yourself. There are many myths and misconceptions about infertility. Please do the research to learn the truth. And if your friend has been given a specific diagnosis as to the cause of her infertility, please research that disease or disorder. Not only are you educating yourself, but you are showing us that you care and that you are not ignoring us. 


For more information on infertility and National Infertility Awareness Week, please visit the following links:

• Basic understanding of the disease of infertility : http://www.resolve.org/infertility101
• About NIAW : http://www.resolve.org/national-infertility-awareness-week/about.html

Don't Ignore.....

This week, April 22 - 28, is National Infertility Awareness Week.

Like so many other "awareness weeks", the idea here is to educate the public about infertility and the issues we (the ones in the midst of it) are experiencing. NIAW is sponsored by RESOLVE : The National Infertility Association, and of course there are events planned to increase awareness and support - including Advocacy Day on Wednesday the 25th, in Washington DC. But this is the 21st century, so there are also online activities for this week - including this blog post.

The theme for NIAW is "Don't Ignore Infertility", and to support that, bloggers have been challenged to write a post with the theme "Don't Ignore..." As stated on the NIAW website,

"The goal of this challenge is to bring together bloggers from the infertility community as well as other bloggers interested in the topic to talk about what is being ignored when it comes to the disease of infertility." 

And so, here goes my attempt at addressing this topic. Today's post will be more factual, more "awareness raising" and educating. Tomorrow's post will be more personal, more emotional.

Don't ignore ..... the statistics. Infertility affects 1 in 8 couples of child-bearing age, which amounts to 7.3 million Americans. If you know at least 8 couples, then you know at least one couple who is (or will) experiencing issues of infertility.

Don't ignore ..... the facts. The diagnosis of "infertility" is applied when a couple has been trying to conceive without success for one year, or when the woman has had multiple miscarriages and is under the age of 35. If the woman is over the age of 35, the time frame for trying to conceive is shortened to 6 months.

Don't ignore ..... the possibility. Infertility is an equal-opportunity disorder. Approximately 30% of the time, infertility is linked solely to the female, while another 30% of the time infertility is linked solely to the male. In the remaining 40% of infertility cases, the cause is either due to both female and male factors, or the cause cannot be determined.

• If you are a man reading this, do not think to yourself, "I ejaculate every time we have sex so there's nothing wrong with me!" 
• If you are a woman reading this, do not think to yourself, "My mother/aunt/sister was a Fertile Myrtle so I'll have no problems!" 

Some causes of infertility have risk factors associated with them (for instance, certain causes of infertility can be linked to a previous diagnosis of an STD), but the majority of the causes of infertility are NOT linked to lifestyle. PCOS, my infertility disease, can be influenced by lifestyle changes but the exact direct cause of it is not known. Like so many other diseases, infertility can strike without warning - you may have always had consistent periods all your life but still find yourself unable to conceive. Or, you may have conceived your first child without a problem and carried that pregnancy to full term, resulting in a happy, healthy, bouncing baby - but when you decided to make another baby, the road was much more rocky. That's called secondary infertility.

My point here is this - if you are having difficulty in conceiving, please consult a doctor. Please take the steps necessary to help yourself. Please try your best to avoid stepping into denial. Please be your own advocate in this process and not a bystander - you cannot just wish this away. Educate yourself so that you can be an active participant in the process.

Don't ignore ..... the options. Fertility treatments have come such a long way from the first "test tube baby" who was born in 1978. There are more medications and procedures available than ever before. And also, there are more options and paths to adoption available than ever before. To those who are newly diagnosed or just feeling frustrated and beaten down by the journey, please do not think that a diagnosis of infertility is a sentence to a child-less life.

Don't ignore ..... the injustice. Many insurance companies will cover birth control, either pills, implants or procedures. Nearly all will cover prenatal visits, examinations, ultrasounds, etc in some way. Ditto for the actual childbirth experience. So, if the insurance companies will cover the act of preventing a baby, as well as planning for and delivering a healthy baby - why won't they cover the steps necessary to make that baby in the first place? Only 15 states require insurance companies to cover infertility treatments. Mine is not one of them. My insurance will only cover diagnostics - not treatment. They will cover blood tests. They will not cover my Clomid - roughly $40 a month at the 50mg dose. And compared to the drugs and procedures that may be in our future, Clomid is CHEAP.  To find out where your state stands on this issue, visit this link. To get involved in working to change this, contact your local representative and ask that they introduce a piece of legislation to require insurance companies to cover infertility treatments.

Don't ignore ..... the need for support. Support your friends. Support the national cause. Whether it's through a donation or by participating in something like the Walk for Hope, every little bit of time and money helps. We cannot make change happen without support.

Don't ignore ..... those of us who are in the midst of dealing with infertility. Resources are available here at the RESOLVE website to help you learn how to best support those around you who are struggling with infertility. More information on "infertility etiquette" is available here. Please don't tell us to "relax" or "stop trying". Please don't minimize our feelings or our experiences. Please educate yourself. And please always ask if this is something we want to talk about - everyone feels differently about this, and even from day to day my willingness to talk about my journey ebbs and flows.

For more information, please visit these links: 

• http://www.resolve.org/infertility101 (basic understanding of the disease of infertility)
• http://www.resolve.org/national-infertility-awareness-week/about.html (about NIAW)

Tomorrow's post will detail more of my personal experiences with infertility and why I don't want to be ignored. In the meantime, check out my blog. It is very much a work in progress, since my fertility journey is ongoing. Later this week, I'll be continuing the back story on my Clomid cycles - by the end of this week I will make sure you are all caught up on my history, because next week I have my first appointment with a new specialist. The journey's about to get (even more) real, folks!

Just a quick note ...

Hello everyone!

I just wanted to leave a quick note here to let you know that posting is going to be very light this week - and it already has been for the past few days. The Outlaws are coming to visit this weekend for Easter, and so I'm in full-blown "clean the house for company" mode around here.

I'm hoping to get the story of my 2nd Clomid cycle posted this week, but no promises! I'll be checking in though, so if you leave a comment I'll see it.... possibly not right away, but I will respond!!

I hope you're all enjoying this week, and if you are Christian - best wishes for a very Happy (or "Hoppy") Easter!!!

Tasty Tuesday : Roasted Asparagus

Tasty Tuesday is a weekly feature designed to share low carb and / or healthy recipes. 

Regardless of what type of diet / healthy eating plan your are following, vegetables are important - and if you're like me, finding an appealing way to get more of them into your diet can be a challenge. Growing up, vegetables were almost always out of a can from the store or something my mother had canned. Frozen vegetables were rare, as was doing anything different with the vegetables. Plain boiled vegetables were the norm, so you can imagine that it's been difficult for me to find ways to make veggies appetizing.

When I moved out on my own, I learned a lot of cooking techniques from TV, especially Rachel Ray. Say what you will, but I learned as much from watching her as I did from watching my mother in the kitchen. (Mom's veggies may have been blah and boring, but that wasn't true for the rest of her cooking.) One of the cooking methods I picked up from the TV was the idea of roasting vegetables. I'm sure this is old hat to some of you, but let me tell you - it's one of my favorite ways to eat my veggies, so I think it's worth sharing with you!

There's just a few ingredients, but quality is important - so I've included some tips and comments for you.

Roasted Asparagus


1 bunch asparagus

Look for the skinniest stalks you can get (about the size of a pencil), since they are the most tender. To remove the tough ends, grasp the spear by the ends - one end in each hand - and flex the stalk. The asparagus will naturally snap off at the point where the woodiness really starts, 

and you'll be left with the most tender stop section. 

Typically, you'll snap off an inch or two in this process. 

olive oil

Olive oil is considered to be a healthy fat and it contributes great flavor when used for roasting.

minced garlic -OR- minced shallots

Shallots are a milder cousin to the onion. Either garlic or shallots will work in this recipe. 

I've used both - it really just depends on what flavor I want and what ingredients I have on hand. 

For the garlic, fresh is best, but the jarred minced garlic will do in a pinch. 

Use 2 cloves of garlic or 2 small to medium shallots for the standard size bunch of asparagus.

Parmesan cheese (optional)

I'm not talking about the powdery cheese in a shaker. I'm talking "real" Parmesan cheese that is grated or shredded. You can buy it pre-grated or buy a block and grate it yourself. 

You won't need a lot - just enough for a light sprinkling. We're not going for a melty puddle of cheese. 

salt & pepper

When you're roasting anything - vegetables or meats - larger particles of salt and pepper will add more to your flavor than their finely ground counterparts. So, for roasting, I prefer to use Kosher salt and pepper that I grind with my pepper grinder. No measurements - just a sprinkling to taste. 

Preheat your oven to anywhere between 375 and 425 degrees. Roasting is a very flexible process, which makes it great for meals where you are already cooking another dish in the oven. 

Begin by prepping the asparagus (snap off the woody ends and wash the stalks). Be sure to let the stalks drain well or blot off the extra water with a paper towel or kitchen towel. Place the spears on a cookie sheet or baking pan. My preferred pan for this actually has ridges on the bottom of it, so that grease and excess cooking liquid can drip away. I find that this helps the asparagus from getting too soggy and soft. If you don't have a ridged baking dish, simply place a cooling rack (like you would use to cool a cake or cookies on) onto a cookie sheet with sides and then place the asparagus on top of the rack. 

Drizzle the asparagus with olive oil and roll it around so that all the spears are evenly coated. Add the garlic or shallots and mix so that it becomes evenly distributed. Place the pan, uncovered, in your hot oven for anywhere from 12 to 20 minutes. The timing depends on how hot the oven is and how much asparagus you are trying to cook. Keep an eye on it, and remove it from the oven when it's done to your liking. 

Immediately upon removing the asparagus from the oven, give it a good sprinkling with salt and pepper, then add the Parmesan if you are using it. 

This recipe / technique is also great for Brussels sprouts and green beans, but you may want to steam them ever so slightly before roasting - it all depends on how crunchy you want the veggies to be. 

Back Story : Clomid Cycle #1

So, in November 2011, Dr. M gave me a prescription for Clomid to induce ovulation. The dose was 50mg on cycle days (cd) 3 through 7, and we were told to "do the deed" (DTD) on cd 13, 15, and 17.

On December 28, I began what could best be considered as a light flow. It was more than spotting but less than a full blown period. I called Dr. M's office and the nurse I spoke to said that Dr. M likes to see a "constant flow" in order to judge when cd 1 is. "Well," I thought, "it IS constant.... just low in volume," so I decided to make December 28 officially cd 1. On December 30 I took the first Clomid pill. Fortunately, I experienced no side effects from the Clomid other than a warmer than normal body temperature and a tendency to get mild hot flashes. Some women experience more side effects, including mood swings and increased emotions - like an extreme case of PMS. If you've never tried Clomid before, I would not let the possibility of side effects deter you - the drug absolutely works for many women, but you won't know how you react to it unless you try it.

While I was taking the Clomid, I was doing some research. I belong to a message board for those who have been diagnosed with PCOS, and in particular I follow a thread dedicated to those of us who are on Clomid. Some women there said that they found they were ovulating early with the Clomid, and others said they were ovulating late in their cycle. So, I got the bright idea to extend the time period when we should DTD. We were active on cd 9, 11 and 13..... but then the notion of scheduled "relations" got old. Really old. More for Mr. Lost than for me, but still - scheduled "relations" are not fun relations. We've since learned that you need to up the romance factor to make up for the schedule factor.

We refused to feel bad about the fact that we didn't DTD as much as we probably should have, because we weren't even sure if this cycle would really work or mean anything, thanks to that "is this a period or isn't it?" scenario on December 28.

Beginning around day 9 or so, I also began using an ovulation predictor kit (OPK). The version that I used required you to pee on a stick (some versions use strips of paper). I never saw any positive results from this test, so I was convinced that I didn't ovulate. On cd 21 I went for a blood test to check my progesterone levels - this is the only monitoring that Dr. M does in a Clomid cycle. Other gyn's and nearly all RE's will do ultrasounds to check follicles and whatnot, and this is something we will be pursuing in the future. For this first cycle of Clomid, my cd 21 progesterone was around 3.8.

Now, internet research will tell you that for a "normal" cycle, that number should be around 5 if not higher. The production of progesterone is triggered by ovulation - no ovulation, no progesterone gets made. The progesterone is needed in order to ensure that the lining of the uterus is thick enough to support implantation of the fertilized egg. The progesterone level will climb after ovulation, but if no fertilized egg is implanted, the body is given the signal to stop producing progesterone. That sudden decrease in progesterone is what brings about the next period.

So. My number was only 3.8, but Dr. M was confident that I had shown a response to the Clomid and had ovulated. That had me excited, and I did the normal girly things - my personal Pinterest board suddenly had a "Project Baby" category, full of cribs and nursery sets and birth announcements. I was trying very hard to not get my hopes up, but it was hard to not get excited about the possibility of being pregnant.

Dr. M instructed me to take a home pregnancy test (hpt) on cd 28 if AF had not shown up. If it was negative, I was to wait - if AF had not shown up by cd 35, I was to test again. If that test came back negative, I was to call the office for a serum pregnancy test (blood test). I think I must have tested 3, maybe 4, times between cd 28 and cd 34, which is when AF decided to rear her ugly head. This time around, though, there was no mistaking her - she was definitely a full-fledged period.

So, Clomid Cycle #1 was a bust. Our disappointment was slight and very short lived. As I indicated above, we weren't even sure if this cycle would mean anything. We had come to regard it almost as a "trial run," to see how I would react to the Clomid, to see if 50mg was a strong enough dose, etc. So, no bad feelings - we were just ready to take what we learned into the next cycle..... which is where my next post will pick up. See you then!

Back Story : 2010 to the Present

So let's catch up, shall we? In June 2009, I lost my job and my health insurance. In November 2009, we moved back to the town I grew up in and regained health insurance. Up through this point, I was not taking any meds to control my PCOS or prevent pregnancy. I was (carelessly?) cavalier about the whole thing - if it happened, it happened, but I was pretty sure it wasn't going to happen.

Moving back to this area after 7 years away meant finding all new doctors. Coincidentally, during this time period one of my Facebook friends (let's call her Ms. Hepburn), someone I've known since elementary school, "liked" a page or group relating to PCOS. I saw that and sent her a message. Despite the fact that we hadn't been all that close recently, I figured it was worth a shot. I explained that I saw her update and was wondering if she had PCOS, too. I also mentioned that I was looking for a gyno. Ms. Hepburn gave me the name of Dr. M and said that it was Dr. M who diagnosed her, that she was a great doctor, great personality, etc.

In the fall of 2010 I made an appointment to get an annual exam and get on the patient roster for Dr. M. We were finally ready to start our family, so that was a topic of conversation as well. Dr. M was familiar with Metformin as treatment for PCOS and gladly gave me a prescription for 1000mg per day. We settled on that dose because it controls my insulin and glucose without overdoing it on the side effects. Dr. M indicated that many women are able to ovulate and successfully conceive with just the Metformin alone. I wasn't as optimistic as she was, but she wanted to give it a full year to see how it would regulate my cycles.

It turned out that the Met brought about visits from AF about once every 60 days - so twice the "normal" cycle length. At my annual exam in November 2011, Dr. M indicated that she was OK with that cycle time ... but I wasn't. She had mentioned in 2010 that the next step after Met would be Clomid, a prescription drug that induces ovulation. So I brought up the Clomid at this visit in 2011. She was totally on board with prescribing it for me. I had some other medical issues (unrelated to my fertility) to clear up, so I waited before starting the Clomid.

Clomid Cycle #1 began at the very end of December 2011.... and you know what? I think this is a good place to take a break. These posts have gotten pretty darn long, so what do you say we maybe give each Clomid cycle it's own posting? Sound good to you? Great. Until next time, then.......

Tasty Tuesday : Low Carb Muenster Spinach Pie

Tasty Tuesday is a weekly feature designed to share low carb and / or healthy recipes. 

A low carb diet has been suggested as an appropriate method for weight loss for women who have been diagnosed with PCOS, but as always, please consult a medical professional (doctor, dietitian, nutritionist) before embarking on any healthy eating plan. 

Low Carb Muenster Spinach Pie

Source: www.food.com

12 ounces muenster cheese, sliced

2 (10 ounce) packages frozen chopped spinach, thawed & drained

2 eggs

1/3 C grated Parmesan cheese

1 (8 ounce) package cream cheese, softened

salt to taste

pepper to taste

garlic powder to taste

1) Preheat oven to 350F (325F if using a glass dish).

2) Line quiche dish or 9 inch pie plate with 8 ounces of muenster cheese slices.

3) Carefully pres all of the water out of the spinach and place in a large mixing bowl.

4) Add eggs, Parmesan cheese, cream cheese, salt, pepper and garlic powder and mix well. 

5) Spoon mixture into cheese-lined pan and top with remaining slices of muenster cheese.

6) Bake for 35 minutes. Allow to set up for 10 minutes before serving. Yield = 8 servings. 

I selected this recipe because it reminds me so much of the spinach dish they serve at our local Chinese buffet. 

NOTE : If you are following Weight Watchers, this works out to be 8 Points Plus per serving. 

Back Story : 2003 - 2009

When we last spoke, I had said that I faithfully took The Pill with few problems from 1999 until 2003, and that I saw Dr. R faithfully until 2002. Let's pick the story up once more...

In May of 2003, Mr.  Lost and I were engaged and planning a fall wedding. AF had been coming along more or less normally, but by May she had gone missing again. Being more than a little bit paranoid, I peed on a stick or two (home pregnancy tests, or HPTs) but got a BFN (big fat negative). Puzzled, and still paranoid, I found myself a new gyno in the town I had been living in for less than a year. The initial exam was fine, and I don't really remember much about it. She did bloodwork which showed that I wasn't pregnant, and she switched me to a different brand of The Pill. For a few months, AF came quite regularly... and then she disappeared again.

Once again paranoid about being pregnant, I scheduled an appointment. The gyno I saw in May was ironically out on maternity leave, so I saw a nice older doctor named Dr. B. Once I got over the fact that Dr. B very strongly resembled Santa Claus, we got along swimmingly. Great personality, truly caring and none of Dr. R's infamous anal probes. He switched my pill again..... and a few months later, he switched it again..... and a few months later, he switched it again..... You get the idea. AF would visit regularly and then disappear mysteriously. I think I was on 4 or 5 different versions of The Pill after my initial prescription for it. Dr. B changed the dosing so that I would only get a period 4 times a year instead of 12, even though I saw AF's monthly visit as reassurance that I wasn't pregnant. He was part of the camp that said that women don't need to menstruate every month, whereas I was of the camp that saw getting a period as being "normal" and as an indication that I wasn't pregnant. Starting a family was just about the furthest thing from our minds at that point.

Finally, Dr. B reached a point where he (very nicely) said, "I can't do anything more for you. I think you should see a Reproductive Endocrinologist (RE) who can give you more assistance and find out what is going on with your PCOS." Up until this point, no one had ever really done anything for my PCOS - we weren't interested in having kids, so there was no need to really do anything.... or so they had thought.

I believe it was in 2005 or 2006 that I had my first RE visit with Dr. H. She was a very nice woman who was the first to enlighten me about the connection between PCOS and the insulin/glucose cycle. She also ordered up my first transvaginal ultrasound. Oh the joys of being probed with a wand. I learned that my left ovary apparently likes to hide - that was an uncomfortable lesson to learn. More bloodwork ensued. She was a big fan of the glucose tolerance test (GTT). That test, in one word = YUCK. She wanted me to lose weight - at least 10% of my current weight - and she suggested the South Beach Diet (more on my diet history in another post). She put me on yet another version of The Pill. She also gave me a prescription for a diabetes drug known as Metformin (the generic form of Glucophage). It's been shown that if you regulate insulin, you will in turn regulate testosterone and ovulation. Met came with some unfortunate side effects (stomach-related, namely diarrhea). I had done some research on my own and found that if I was on the extended-release version of Met, the side effects may be diminished. Unfortunately Dr. H didn't acknowledge or accept that there were two different versions of Metformin. Instead, she switched me to Avandia.. I had been on Avandia for a month or two when I was scheduled for a re-check with Dr. H. At that visit, one year after our first, she told me that she was leaving the practice for personal reasons. At my next check-up, I began seeing Dr. H's replacement - Dr. L.

My first visit with Dr. L. was in 2007 right as the news about the risks of taking Avandia was hitting the airwaves. In a "better safe than sorry" move, Dr. L took me off of Avandia and put me back on the Metformin - the extended release this time, thank God. She may or may not have changed my prescription for The Pill - I really don't recall. I do know that she was not a fan of the GTT, and instead looked at fasting insulin and glucose, as well as A1c levels, to determine how well I was responding to the drugs. At that point, I wasn't consistently following South Beach, and she wasn't a huge fan of it, so she referred me to a dietitian (more on that in the diet history to come). I saw Dr. L until 2009. I was not incredibly faithful to the dietician, the Met or The Pill. In fact, at my last visit, I think I had been off The Pill and The Met for several months. I didn't really disclose this to her. I think I had just reached a point of giving up. AF was more miss than hit. I was pretty sure I wasn't ovulating - if I was, I would have gotten a visit from AF. The Met side effects weren't fun - she had me on 1500mg and encouraged me to try 2000mg. We still weren't ready for kids, so I kind of had an attitude of "why bother with any treatment". My main reason for that last visit with Dr. L in 2009 was because I had lost my job, which meant a loss of insurance. "Squeeze one more visit in before the benefits are gone," was my logic.

I left that appointment and continued drug-free until 2010, which is where we'll pick up again next time.

Back Story Part 1 : The 90's

In order to get my blog started and perform the "brain dump" that I am in desperate need of, I'm going to begin with a series of posts that will bring everyone up to date with my fertility journey. Here goes.

I got my first-ever visit from AF in June 1991. I remember it distinctly only because it came on the day before the last day of school. I had just turned 11. Things proceeded quite normally until ~1996, when AF just disappeared for several months. My mother knew that this wasn't normal, and despite my begging her not to, she told my pediatrician about it at my annual physical. What followed was my first "exam" of the nether-regions, if you could even call it an "exam". Being that she was a pediatrician, she wasn't set up for a full look-see of my southern hemisphere - she could only examine the openings and external anatomy (trust me, I am comfortable with the proper anatomical terminology, but I don't want people coming here because they've searched for p0rn or God knows what else). She determined that things were normal, and that she saw nothing that could explain why AF went missing. She said that sometimes these things just happen in teens because they aren't quite regulated in their cycles.

I do believe that particular visit was the last time I went to a pediatrician. I pretty much put my foot down - partly out of shear embarrassment, but also partly because I had clearly bumped up against the limits of their knowledge with my "womanly problem". I remember seeing a family doctor for my next visit later that year, probably for a sinus infection or something of that sort. Once again, Mother brought up the subject of AF as she was still among the missing. The family doctor suggested I see a gynecologist since they are properly trained in these sorts of things. He suggested a fellow by the name of Dr. S.

The visit with Dr. S. was probably the most uncomfortable gynecological exam I have ever been given. It was an awkward visit in general. It started off with some waiting room drama - Mother nearly blew a gasket when she was told that she couldn't come into the exam with me. She had been asked to step outside the room when the pediatrician examined me as well, so I thought this should have been old-hat to her but apparently not. Of course Dr. S. began by asking me several times if I was pregnant, is there any chance I could be pregnant, was I *sure* I wasn't pregnant, was I *sure* I wasn't sexually active, etc. He had all the beside manner of a cactus and was so quick to assume that I was sexually active and had gotten myself into a little "situation". This was absolutely mortifying. It was beyond mortifying. I had never had a boyfriend, never been kissed, never been on a date - and to be treated like I just *must* be sexually active was humiliating.

If I thought the questioning was rough, the exam was worse. There was no warning to anything he did. It felt like he was ramming a doorknob into my girly parts. There was no concern or compassion for my mental or emotional well-being. When the exam was over, he brought Mother and I into his office where he reviewed what he found. He spoke into a dictation machine so that the info could later be transcribed into my file. To show what little regard he had for me, he didn't even get my name right as he was starting off his whole speal. I think this doctor's visit was the first time I had ever felt like less of a person. Sure, I'd been picked on by the other kids LOTS of times - but this doctor took the cake. To say that the experience was "mortifying" and "humiliating" really is an understatement.

The end result was that he didn't find anything upon examining me that would suggest why AF had gone missing. He ordered up a few days' worth of progesterone to jumpstart a cycle, and if that didn't work, he said he'd do more tests. I honestly don't even remember if AF returned at the prodding of the progesterone or not. I do remember that Mother did agree with me that Dr. S was an ass clown, and there was no pressure to see him again.

Fast forward to October 1998. I was a freshman in college. AF had been hit or miss (mostly miss) since 1996, but that fall she came back with a VENGEANCE. I don't know that I have EVER had such a heavy period. In retrospect, I suppose I should have seen a doctor but I didn't.

The next milestone on this journey came in February 1999 when I met Mr. Lost. A few months after we began dating, we became sexually active and in August 1999 I did the responsible thing - I made an appointment with a different gynecologist, Dr. R, for an exam and to get a prescription for The Pill. Dr. R had a much better personality and bedside manner than Dr. S, but Dr. R wasn't perfect - he remains the only gynecologist who has ever felt it necessary to include an anal exam as part of a routine gyno exam. Allegedly it's so that my uterus could be examined better - being that I am overweight, apparently you can't necessarily feel it appropriately just by pressing on the lower abdomen. Thank God none of the doctors I've seen since have had the same notion as he has. It's an "exit only" hole, thankyouverymuch.

In any event, at that first visit I had just recently seen something about this disorder called "polycystic ovarian syndrome" in a magazine my mother had - Woman's Day, perhaps? It sounded like me - absent AF, hair in all the wrong places, etc. Dr. R agreed to order up some bloodwork, which resulted in my first diagnosis of PCOS. He based the diagnosis on an out-of-whack ratio of lutenizing hormone to follicle stimulating hormone, and said that since we weren't trying to start a family, the best course of action was to put me on The Pill which was something I wanted to start anyway.

(Man, can I just take a moment right here to say that we have come a long way when it comes to diagnosing and treating PCOS? It's amazing what happens in just a few years in the medical field.)  

I took The Pill faithfully and with few problems from 1999 until the early 2000s. AF was more hit than miss. I continued to see Dr. R for annual exams until I graduated from college and moved away from home in 2002. Stay tuned for my next post, where we'll resume the timeline in 2003.