Don't ignore ..... our feelings.

You can view my first post for National Infertility Awareness Week (NIAW) here. In that post, I wrote about some of the facts and the issues surrounding infertility. Today, I want to write about me. My feelings. My experiences.

Don't ignore ..... me.
Don't ignore ..... my feelings. 

• Don't assume that the fact that my husband and I do not have any kids is somehow a decision that we don't want to have any. 
• Don't assume that just because I am at your baby shower or your kid's first birthday party means that I am OK and that everything is just hunky-dory.
• But on the other hand, if you are aware of my journey through infertility, don't assume that I don't want to experience your good news - your pregnancy announcements, your ultrasound pictures, etc. Just please realize that I need to come to terms with your news in my own way and at my own pace.
• Don't assume that my smiles and laughter mean that I am happy or in a good place. They just mean that I am in a good moment. There have been some bad moments - don't ignore them.

It was very difficult for me to acknowledge the feelings when I first experienced them, but there have been times in the past couple of years where I have been extremely jealous of my friends. When my one friend went through years of infertility treatments only to end up pursuing adoption, I knew that the adoption was coming. I even wrote a letter of recommendation to the agency she and her husband were using. But when that adoption came through faster than they expected, I had a really hard time with it.

I was jealous that they were getting an "instant family" - their son was coming home to them one week after they found out about him.

I was jealous of all the attention and baby paraphernalia they were getting because of it. I just knew (and I'm still pretty sure of this) that my husband and I will not receive the same attention regardless of how we come to be parents. Our families are just not like her family or her husband's family.

I had a hard time watching the video of the adoption ceremony.

I had a hard time being around everyone else who was so excited for them.

And I felt absolutely horrible at myself for feeling this way. 

Let me tell you - negative emotions are compounded and made worse when you beat yourself up for having them.

I was in a funk for a couple of weeks. On one hand, I was happy for my friend. Logic told me that I should be happy for her. But on the other hand, I was sitting there thinking, "Why not me? Why not us? When will it be our turn?" And on that other hand, I was jealous. And that other side of me was not as happy for my friend.

During that funky period, I took a little break from our friendship. Just a couple of weeks. Time enough to settle myself and work through my own feelings. Time for her to let some of the excitement and hubbub die down. This friend knows my story - I have shared every detail of my journey with her, just as she shared with me - but that doesn't necessarily make it any easier. I took that time to reach a pretty big conclusion:

Neither my friend nor her new baby did anything to me.

I had no reason to not love that little baby. I had no reason to love my friend any less. During that little break, I realized that the feelings I was experiencing were MINE. I owned them. I came to realize that these feelings of jealousy were perfectly NORMAL. Once I realized that these very strong and powerful emotions were what other women who are coping with infertility deal with, I knew that it was OK. I was OK. I was going to get through this.

This realization about the feelings being normal did not mean that I would never feel them again. Just because you acknowledge these feelings does not mean they will never come up again. 

When this same friend became pregnant naturally and unexpectedly less than 3 months after adopting, I was happy for her - and jealous, too. How could I not be just a little jealous? After 3 attempts at IVF and after hearing that her ovaries were "old" and not producing quality eggs, and after going through a very successful adoption process, here she was - PREGNANT.

I needed another little break at that point. Much shorter than the first time, but I needed to process and come to terms with this new development. She is one of my closest friends, and yes, I was happy for her. But I needed to own my emotions and take time for myself.

When her precious baby was born this past fall, a lot of those same feelings of jealousy came flooding back. They weren't as bad as they were when she adopted her first baby, probably because I had 9 months to process it this time around, but the jealousy was definitely still there. I took another break from our friendship. My friend thought that I was just being smart - that I was giving her space to deal with her crazy in-laws and the other people who were inserting themselves into her little family's life in the days following the baby's birth.

But the reality is that I needed time to deal with my feelings before I could be around her and the babies without breaking down.

Let me be perfectly clear: I love those little ones as if they were my own niece and nephew. I have spoiled them rotten with new baby gifts, christening gifts, and first birthday gifts. I enjoy spending time with them, snuggling them, feeding them. But there is still a tiny part of my heart that aches every time I am around them.

It's the same part of my heart that cries out, "When will it by MY turn?"

It's nearly imperceptible to outsiders and possibly even to my friend, but I can tell you that our friendship has changed since she became a mommy. While we still have so much in common and enjoy so many activities together, it's different now. She's not as free as she used to be, with two little ones to care for. She's not as accessible as she used to be. And even though she was on the infertility journey, too - her journey has reached its end, while I'm still plodding along. Our friendship isn't "bad" or "over" - it's just different. That's something I still have to process and work through. Every time I reach for the phone in the evenings, I stop myself. I know that I shouldn't call, because she's busy getting two little ones ready for bed. The things I might have asked her to join me in on the weekends, I don't anymore. Either they aren't "kid friendly" or I know she won't want to take the time away from them. Not wrong - just different. I hope to never lose any friendships permanently while on this journey, but I can absolutely tell you that friendships have changed and I have changed while I've been on this journey.

Don't ignore ..... your feelings. 

When it comes to this journey of infertility, you have to take steps to preserve your self and protect your heart.  Whether it's through meditation, journalling, therapy, creative expressions - find a way to work through your feelings. Do not let them fester inside. Do not deny them. Do not feel bad about them.

Pick up each emotion and examine it.

When my friend adopted her little one and I felt so badly, I couldn't immediately explain why I felt such feelings of anger. That's what it was at first - anger. Nastiness. Jealousy of the material things and the attention she was receiving. It wasn't until I stopped for just a moment to examine the situation that I realized the heart of the matter.

I was jealous of the fact that she had just become a mother. I was jealous that she had an "instant family". I was envious of all the things I felt were lacking in my own life - mainly, a baby.

Own the emotion and know that it is a natural part of this process. 

Once I realized that this was normal, and was probably going to happen again, I was OK. I was able to spend time with my friend and her baby. You need to come to a point where you realize that this roller coaster of emotions is completely, 100%, NORMAL. Before my friend adopted her baby, I thought I was at that point. I had heard women talk about the emotions of this journey, and I thought that I was some how above all that. That I had it covered. That I was OK.

It wasn't until the magnitude of my negative feelings hit me that I realized that I hadn't ever been on the emotional roller coaster to begin with. Those sudden feelings of jealousy were my first experience with the roller coaster. It was as if I were riding a roller coaster blindfolded, and the car just went into a roll.

I don't claim to be any sort of a pro at riding this coaster, but I can honestly say that I'm more aware of the twists and turns ahead. I know that there will probably be more dips, dives and turns yet to come - and I know that there will be emotions that come flying up out of me that I was not expecting.

If you are a friend or loved one of someone who is currently coping with infertility, please don't ignore their feelings. Realize that they are on their very own roller coaster. Please be respectful of their emotions, but please don't minimize them. Please don't tell them to "get over it". Please don't tell them to "relax" or "stop trying".

Don't ignore the emotional side of what they are going through. There are very real and very complex emotions at play during this process, and those emotions are different for each and every one of us. Take no facial expression at "face value" - pardon the pun. Just because we look happy on the outside does not mean that our hearts are not aching on the inside.

Ask if we are doing OK. I don't always bring up the topic myself, but if you ask, I will gladly tell you where things stand and how I'm doing.
Ask if we want to talk about it. This varies from person to person, and from day to day.
Don't shelter us. The media and the world around us are full of children, babies, pregnant women, families, etc. There's little point in trying to hide your pregnancy news from us because we'll find out at some point anyway. But you might want to consider telling us in private, and you should definitely realize that we might need some time alone to come to terms with it.

Lastly, and perhaps most importantly, please educate yourself. There are many myths and misconceptions about infertility. Please do the research to learn the truth. And if your friend has been given a specific diagnosis as to the cause of her infertility, please research that disease or disorder. Not only are you educating yourself, but you are showing us that you care and that you are not ignoring us. 


For more information on infertility and National Infertility Awareness Week, please visit the following links:

• Basic understanding of the disease of infertility : http://www.resolve.org/infertility101
• About NIAW : http://www.resolve.org/national-infertility-awareness-week/about.html